Month: April 2012

The Classic ‘Painseeker’……..

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Patient: Sleepy doc, I am having back pain. I can barely get off of my bed to do anything.

Sleepy doc: Sir, from your records I noticed that you were discharged from the hospital like 30minutes ago. Didn’t they give a prescription for pain meds?

Patient: I need something stronger than those pain meds Sleepy doc.

Sleepy doc: I have no intention of changing you current prescription.

The patient walked off angrily, flipping me off and saying he was going to find another hospital……..

I think I might be pregnant…..

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I think I might be pregnant….

Anytime a patient says those words to me, a wide grin, internally, forms. (I keep my poker face on AT all times).

Listen, I don’t judge any of my patients. My ONLY goal is to see them through whatever problem they came to the ER for.

You KNOW you are pregnant, so stop pretending.

Everyone of those patients I have eventually asked, ‘when was the last time you saw your menstrual cycle?’. The answer is always in MONTHS. I.e.: ‘4mnths doc’, ‘5mnths doc’, ‘3mnths doc’.

I mean come on!!!!

I like a patient who is truthful and honest….’Look here Sleepy Doc, there is a high chance I am pregnant and I am still smoking and drinking. I am here because I have the flu and I don’t want you lecturing me about anything else.’……..I actually had a patient come in and tell me that. I totally respected her for her honesty. 🙂

It doesn’t mean she didn’t get a lecture eh….:)

Apparently we saw things differently….

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A few weeks ago there was a male in his 20s or 30s who came in to the ER due to multiple gunshots wounds to his body.

All that I was concerned with was treating the patient, stabilizing the patient, calling consults. Also getting the right radiological studies done so once surgery called/showed up everything would be in place.

After the patient was taken to the OR, a nurse turned to me to ask if I ‘saw what the patient was working with?’. I started to say ‘Yeah, he seems to be stable even though he has gunshots to the chest and abdomen, and was in a critical state’.

She and the other nurse close by started to laugh at me and they told me, ‘Sleepy Doc, get your heads out of those books and go out next friday night.’

It was only afterwards someone told me that apparently the patient had a large ‘member’…..and that is what they were talking about.

Ummmm…, I did not notice, I was too busy trying to keep that patient alive. If that makes me overly nerdish….oh well….

Are you Serious!!!!

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Sleepy doc: Sir, what seems to be the problem

Patient: I need a checkup. I drink a lot of alcohol daily and I think it is time for my full body checkup.

Sleepy doc: Sir, this is an ER. You do not have any specific complaints. If you want a checkup go to your family practitioner.

Patient: So you won’t give me a checkup??

Sleepy doc: No. I have one question though. Do you plan on decreasing your alcohol intake? You are in your 20’s.

Patient: no I don’t……

The patient who went to drama school…..

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Once I have to see one of those patients, I know that I am going to be mentally drained by the time the interview is over.

Each line will be punctuated by sighs and lines like….’You know doc, I almost never come to the hospital’.

I was feeling dizzy two days ago and decided to come to the hospital…….sigh….

Do you think I could have stitches in my stomach from surgery 5 years ago…..sigh…

Doctor, I called ahead to see if the physician who I saw two days ago was working here…..he was sooooo nice to me…..sigh…

Men up to mischief….

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About two nights ago, I had a 20 something year old man who had been shot in the abdomen. He was brought in with a 20 something year old lady who was covered in blood.

The blood was not hers, she had been giving him CPR. At the time, I assumed that young lady was his significant other. He was alert and refused to give us any specifics on why he was shot.

On closer inspection, the man was still wearing a condom.

Even better yet, his wife turned up and both herself and the young lady proceeded to have a very energetic fight in the ER. The wife was actually 5 months pregnant at the time.

Thus, at 3:30am in the morning, after a very long night, instead of two patients, I ended up with three….SMH.

Yeah…it was one of those nights…..SMH…

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Patient: I had a headache and took my blood pressure and it was really high.

Sleepy doc: Ok, what was the reading?

Patient: 175/96.

Sleepy doc: Well did you take any meds thus far?

Patient: nope, didn’t feel like taking meds for the week, I felt fine.

Sleepy doc: so what made you come in tonight, at 2am?

Patient: I figured I had a stroke doc.

Sleepy doc: oh, so you have a CT scan in your house also?

Patient: what???…..